I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
