Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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