My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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