one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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