I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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