that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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