I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
