OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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