He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
