If i come over, it means nothing
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
