she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
