If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
