and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize