He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
