Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
