woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
