Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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