You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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