Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
