; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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