I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm at about main and main street
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize