I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
