He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
