She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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