I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
