yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
