I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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