If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
