***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
