Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
