i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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