I think im going to throw up on grandma
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
