hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
