I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
