after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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