he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
