Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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