Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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