Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
