Just cropdusted the office
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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