I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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