I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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