like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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