Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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