life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
