i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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