I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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