plz talk dirty to me
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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