I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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