Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
