I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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