If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I cockslap morals
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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