that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
