So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
