I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
