but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize