i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
