My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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