Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
