If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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